Priorities.

I’m about to share something extremely personal but important so if you’re not mature enough to handle it or you’re uncomfortable with topics of medical trauma then please keep scrolling, close the page or simply don't read ahead. TW

I had a 2nd degree tear from childbirth. That means that while I was pushing to bring my son into this world, I ripped through my skin and muscle. I have a vivid memory of looking to the right of me and hearing my new baby crying, happy tears streaming down my face, seeing all the commotion of the delivery room trying to be cleaned up. I remember turning forward again only to see my doctor with a needle and thread between my legs like I was a shirt that needed to be patched up. The hospital didn’t tell me how bad it was and I was still numb from my epidural. It wasn’t until an hour or two before going home the next day where the doctor casually mentioned that pushing my baby from my body tore through muscle.

Sounds traumatic and painful, right? Now add the pain of cramps and the pain of my entire body feeling beaten up because for 12+ hours I was clutching the hospital bed in a tense position, trying my hardest to alleviate the excruciating pain of contractions. I cried in the arms of strangers that night because of the pain and still feel emotionally traumatized by how much pain there was and how I waited too long to ask for an epidural so I allowed myself to feel that pain for longer than I should have. No, I wasn’t “trying to be a hero,” as many women put it. I just didn’t know when I was supposed to ask and apparently you can ask pretty much once you’re admitted into the hospital. Anyway, my whole body ached for a week. My shoulders and arms that were hunched over gripping the hospital bed felt like I had been punched all over. My legs that were brought up to my chest every time I was told to hold my breath to push - felt like I overdid it on leg day and were too heavy to move. Long story short- I was in agony. I was in a lot of pain for a long time and because I hardly moved through my pregnancy (let’s not forget the migraines left me bedridden) I was out of shape and just trying to ignore my pain and focus on my son.

Almost immediately after birth and once we arrived home, I started receiving texts from excited and surely well intended loved ones who wanted to come over to spend a couple of hours with Jack. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this. Everyone seemed shocked and appalled when I said no. “It’s customary for people to get to meet the baby! Mom doesn’t have to leave the couch to play host. I don’t want Jack to be a year by the time we finally meet!”

…Mom does need to leave the couch. She leaves the couch to feed him. She leaves the couch to change his diaper. She leaves the couch to put him to sleep. She leaves the couch to change her own diaper that’s filled with blood because she just brought life into this world and she doesn’t want to do all of this, while in pain so severe that she literally cries when she sits down or when she stands up or when she walks. Having guests over means she can’t cry and take care of her needs because it will make others uncomfortable.

Before giving birth, I told Andrew, “man, I’m gonna miss everyone being nice to me. Being pregnant meant most people treated me nicer than I’ve ever been treated before.” And so I anticipated that it wasn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows anymore but I didn’t expect multiple people to get so offended by me taking time for my own needs. I didn’t expect everything to suddenly be about catering to others all over again.

I’ve written about this plenty of times before but I’ve learned throughout life that women are expected to serve others and we’re expected to do so with a smile and gratitude for the opportunity. No. For the new moms out there, you probably felt the weight of the obligation to allow family and friends into your home to meet your baby. You were probably told by the hospital and your doctors “give yourself some grace. Monitor your mental health because postpartum depression is common. Pay attention if you start feeling isolated and depressed.”

And then the amount of people who shame you for not wanting people over within the first month or so of recovery and motherhood makes you feel isolated and depressed. Suddenly it’s you who should accommodate and accept that people are excited instead of focus on your own healing. Suddenly you’re the villain in this story. You were just applauded for being a superhero portal bringing life into this world but the moment you don’t bend over backwards (and yes, having guests within the recovery period is doing just that!) you fall from grace. Practically the minute the umbilical cord is cut you’re expected to resume the role of server in this society.

No.

Full sentence.

No.

Around 6-8 weeks mothers are supposed to go for a followup appointment at their OBGYN. I went at 7 weeks, shortly after thinking my vagina was falling out because I was still in so much pain. Before examining me, the doctor walks into the room and looks at her chart. “You’re 7 weeks. Great news is you’re cleared to have sex again. But don’t get pregnant because your body is still healing for the first year.” She tells me.

“You just cleared me without examining me.” I said, confused.

“Yea typically women heal within the first 6 weeks if they had a vaginal delivery so you’re good. Your husband will be happy to know you’re good to resume sexual activities!”

Why, at my appointment, is the focus on my husband?

“Listen, I am experiencing pain still. Significant pain. Please examine me before you say I’m cleared.”

“Oh pain is normal. Some women do experience phantom pains and it may take some time before you feel normal again.”

I explain that no, this isn’t normal pain. It felt like vaginal prolapse the week prior and thankfully was not. The pain is a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1-10 and I need to be examined to make sure I am okay. It took about 5 minutes of coercing this doctor. All she wanted to talk about was how I should go on birth control so that I can have sex with my husband without the threat of pregnancy. She explained that pregnancy before my body is done healing fully could be dangerous.

So let’s recap: my body still has a wound the size of a small dinner plate so it will be dangerous if I get pregnant but since she thinks my husband “will be so happy to find out you can have sex again” - I’m expected to be a server and focus on that instead of my own healing as per *the medical community!*

How backwards is this system that these appointments are based on a theoretical man who’s not even in the room?! It should be about the mother!

After finally convincing this doctor to examine me, she sounded surprised and said, “oh! Wow, yea you’re still healing. It’s not safe for you to have sex or even use toilet paper again without possible tearing yourself. I’d wait another few weeks or get extremely soft fluffy toilet paper and use a peri bottle in the shower still.”

If I weren’t so vocal about my needs being met and automatically followed this medical professionals suggestion to resume sex instead, then I could have potentially ripped myself again because the systems in place don’t care about women.

I should not have to state my needs in order for them to even be considered. I shouldn’t have to be the villain with people who are supposed to love me because they are putting their needs over the woman who is healing. I shouldn’t have to say, “yea my husband cares about my healing first and foremost” before a doctor finally examines my wound.

I matter. My healing matters. The women on the message boards saying “my husband wouldn’t take no for an answer and insisted we have sex 3 weeks in… is that okay? We’ve been bad…” no, ma’am, *he* has been bad and what you’re describing is a postpartum rape. You said no and he insisted. You didn’t give your automatic consent, you were forced into it. He raped you.

And this is normal. This is normal for the dozens of women who commented on her post, “Omg I know! My husband wouldn’t take no for an answer!! I’m sure it’s okay. I’m not hurting too much after this pregnancy but it sure hurt after the first one!”

Normalize and prioritize womens needs being met. Normalize and prioritize women being able to heal and recover without the burden of other peoples obligations being forced upon them.

No means no. No, you cannot come over while I’m healing because I’m in pain and the child I grew for 9 months and I need to continue to bond. No, you can’t hold him maskless and without washing your hands because his immune system isn’t ready yet. No, I don’t care if I’m hurting your feelings because you clearly have no respect for me and mine. No, sex should not be the priority after childbirth. It should be enjoyable for both consenting adults and if one of them is torn and wounded then I can guarantee it won’t be enjoyable for them.

It’s 6:30 in the morning and I should be using the little time I have while Jack’s asleep to nap as well but spirit insisted I write this right now. Usually that means it is something at least one other person needs to hear to feel strong enough in their convictions. So if this entire post was written for you, I am sorry. I am sorry to hear that your needs aren’t being prioritized right now. I’m sorry that you have likely been taught to people-please so much that your inner child is crying “what about me? When is it my turn??”

It’s now. Now is your turn to devote your time and energy into self love and self respect. It’s time you put yourself and your child first. You don’t need to explain yourself to anyone and though it may feel like the world is against you in your struggle to honor your boundaries, you’re not alone. You have this mama from Queens cheering you on! You got this!!! Stand firm in what you deserve and don’t let anyone force you to shrink to fulfill their needs. Let them learn to aim higher and get on your level.

Remember, you matter too. You are important. You are enough. You are special and badass. You brought life into this world but your worth is not defined by your bodies ability to do so.

I love you. I’m proud of you for taking what you deserve in this life. I’m proud of you for seeing you deserve more. You got this. ❤️