I'd go back to me.

For a few months in my teens, I would see an older version of me standing behind me in the mirror. Of course, I didn’t know if this was a version of me or some more malicious entity pretending to be me. I didn’t know anything I knew now pertaining to spirit. I didn’t even know I was a medium or that me seeing spirit was not “normal.” I remember the first time I saw her behind me I froze and told my family I thought I saw myself standing behind myself in the mirror. The unknown scared me.

Whenever I looked in the mirror- there she was, for a blink, standing behind me. Her hair was a little longer than mine. It had better curls. I could tell she was older and she was taller than me. Still, I was convinced it wasn’t me- I believed she was some spooky ghost who was pretending to be me. “I’m going to hangout with my friends – enjoy that creepy chick in the mirror while I’m gone!” I’d say, laughing, before leaving the apartment and feeling grateful I never saw ghosts when I was with friends.

But nowadays, knowing what I know about the soul and how energy is everywhere all at once, not glued to a timeline like our bodies that age, I am more convinced than ever before that it was me in the future checking in on me in that present time.

I think of all the times I spent alone, poorly coping with everything life handed me and just barely surviving, wishing that there was some sign that things got better. I think of all the healing I’ve done in the last year alone, revisiting so many repressed memories and traumas, all in effort to let them go…

I told my therapist that the biggest aspect of inner child healing that I’ve done in these last five months or so is listen… listen to little Megan at 5 who liked to hide in the bookshelf because she felt safe there or Megan at 10 who desperately tried to get her fathers attention for what would be the 4th and final time seeing him my entire life. I listen because I know all too often I never felt heard, wanted or seen growing up. I had to be the loudest and most charismatic to get any attention while simultaneously feeling like I was annoying for existing.

And so now, I listen. I listen to her insecurities and fears and I listen to my own in present day. I do not shoo them away in frustration. I sit in them and allow myself to feel whatever comes to the surface before letting it go.

I would love to go back in time and for one more beautiful day hold Grampa Jack’s hands and hear him laugh. I would love to hear his voice once more since it’s long forgotten. I would love to see my mom once more when I was about 7 years old- before things became harder and more chaotic. Before I was aware of any type of struggle. I would love to see her joy and hear her laughter. I would love to hold her hand when mine still felt small against hers.

I would love to laugh with Melissa one more time. Listening as she made her whiny voice and laughing to the point of tears. I'd love just one more hug. I’d love to go back to playing at Austin Street park with Heidi the day we both tried to climb the monkey bars but I couldn’t because I was so scared I’d fall. I would love to go back to when we invented our very ~kewl~ BFF swing. I’d love to hold the people I miss that have long since left me. I would love to hear all of them laugh one more time.

But above all else, I think I would go back to high school and see 15 year old Megan one more time. I’d love to hug her and tell her things get better. That not only would she finally kiss a boy but she’d actually meet an amazing man she’d eventually marry. That her dad would never come back but her husband would be the most incredible dad to her son and that would heal a part of her she thought would always be broken. I’d tell her that the woman in the mirror with the slightly better curls is me and I’m still looking out for her and listening to her…even if it means healing our pain retroactively. I'd tell her that a big painful change was coming but not to give up and to be open to the signs that we'd survive it.

It’s been nearly twenty years since I saw myself behind myself in the mirror and while I’ll never truly know if that was some scary spirit or my soul healing little me, I choose to believe whoever it was played a very important role for me. It gave me a tiny glimpse into feeling like maybe I’d live past 15 because the woman behind me who looked like me with the slightly better curls was older and seemed strong enough to grow up... so I could too.

I wouldn't change a thing. I wouldn't stay home the day of the eviction. I wouldn't begin my mediumship any earlier or prevent the friendships that hurt me. Every single moment was meaningful and important to get me here. I just wish I felt more loved back then so that I could see and accept how meaningful everything was while it was happening. If I could go back in time for just one day...I'd go back to me.