Weddings in a time of loss, pandemic and grief.

I’ve been hearing so many cases of brides and grooms having to cancel their elaborately planned weddings due to covid-19. After all the stress of planning the day, I can understand how hard this is in my own way, without having experienced it myself firsthand.

Here’s my truth: three years ago I had a heartbreaking dream where I stood at the end of the aisle in the church with my loved one in a wheel chair. I was wearing my white dress long before I was even engaged. I knelt down to her level and held back tears as I said, “See, there’s no way we would have had this wedding without you. Thank you for holding off on going home to God for us,” and I cried, standing in my white dress beside my faceless loved one, holding her hand against the wheelchair.

I thought it was my mom.

I had another premonition days later and then heard messages from spirit about preparing myself for the inevitable passing of my mom. I bawled my eyes out. I called my friend Mary and begged her for guidance. She referred me to our mentor, Kim, who told me that sometimes messages appear as one thing and are something totally different but, in the meantime, I should spend as much time as possible with my mom while I still could. Just in case.

I wish I could tell you that I did. Life got crazy busy and I wasn’t able to see her as much as I wanted. It was a weird time in my life where I was grieving the loss of a loved one who was still alive. Every day I’d cry. The mention of getting married would throw me into a fit of tears because I now associated my future wedding with death. I told my boyfriend, now husband, and cried in his arms as he told me, “It’s all in your head. There’s no reason to cry.” He’s not a believer in mediums or psychics so that’s usually his go-to comforting phrase (which sometimes isn’t that comforting but I digress…)

I explained to him that I’ve never been the woman who wanted to get married until the day I met him. I had an ex-boyfriend propose to me in high school and we had plans to go to the court house to elope without our parents knowing but I knew I wasn’t the marrying type and I think he knew that too. Years later, another ex-boyfriend asked me if I’d convert to his religion to eventually marry him. I told him nope, still not the marrying type. But old friends can attest to my constantly telling them after my first date with Andrew, “Oh, he’s going to be my husband someday. I’m going to marry that man.” Suddenly the not-marrying-type was excited for the day that she’d get to legally commit to the man of her dreams.

Andrew knew I wasn’t the type to pressure him to marry. We were already 7 or 8 years into our relationship before I cried in his arms about this horrible premonition. I told him, “Look, I am going to begin planning our wedding. It’s not because I want to rush you but because I want to be prepared if in case my mom or any family member abruptly gets sick. If, in the future, we need to plan the wedding and execute it in a short period of time, I just want to be prepared - okay? Because look - I’m fine waiting to get married to you but my mom needs to be there to walk me down the aisle, okay? I don’t have a dad. I don’t have anyone else who I’d want to walk me - it’s my mom or it’s not happening, okay?” Andrew, the beautiful loving soul that he is, told me he understood and told me it was okay to secretly plan the wedding but not to update him on the details since we weren’t actually engaged. I thought that was very fair.

First of all, the only solid wedding plans I created was the guest list and that’s half the battle. The dream location didn’t happen in real life. The dream flowers didn’t happen (I think mine were actually better than the dream!) The dress was totally different than I dreamt. The bridal party was different. Almost every plan I made ended up being the wrong decision in the end but that’s sort of my point: plans change for a reason.

Andrew proposed the day before our 9 year anniversary right in front of the Vatican. Everything about it was magical and the trip itself was a dream. Once we were back in New York and the planning began, I cried to him again because I was met with the overwhelming pit in my stomach that we’d lose my mom before the wedding.

That summer my sister texted our group chat concerned over my moms breathing. She asked us to keep an eye on it while she had to go to work. My other sister had a bad feeling, rushed over to find our mom gasping for air in her bed. 911 was called. Mom was rushed to the hospital and the doctor told my sister if she didn’t get there when she did, if she didn’t call 911 then mom could have died.

Again, I bawled my eyes out to Andrew. I told him, “This is it. This is what we’ve been preparing for. We have to be ready at a moments notice. If that means getting married in the hospital room then so be it.” He told me it wouldn’t come to that but of course he understood that having our parents there on our day was the most important thing to both of us.

Mom healed and was released a few days later. Mom’s been smoking cigarettes since her early teens and the doctor explained that one inhale of a cigarette could lead her to another COPD attack but the next one would be fatal. I pleaded with my mom to give up smoking. One day I cried to her and begged her to avoid the temptation because I wanted her to walk me down the aisle and someday hold her grandchildren when Andrew and I have kids. I told her that I needed her. I poured my heart out to her without telling her my premonition because I was scared that telling anyone else, even the person in the vision, would result in it coming true faster. She said she’d do her best to quit and sure enough, October 6th 2019 and January 18th 2020, my mom walked me down the aisle. She’s currently nine months cigarette free.

My mom and I on October 6th, my extra special wedding day.

Andrew’s Grandma’s health declined in early October. It wasn’t the way you’d think. It wasn’t like she became seriously sick and needed the hospitals intervention. She was just nearing 100 and had been saying for years that she only wanted to make it to 100. Her body was preparing her. So when Andrew and I received the call that Grandma may not last past her birthday, Andrew and I were already prepared for what to do.

October 2nd, we agreed we’d both be open to getting married that weekend. October 3rd, we made sure his parents thought Grandma would be okay with it. October 4th, we went to the court house and got our paperwork. October 5th we ran around all day gathering supplies to make it feel like a real wedding regardless of how quickly it was planned. October 5th, we asked Grandma “Hey, so- what are your plans for tomorrow?” She told us, “probably just hanging out and watching TV.” We asked her “Would you be okay if we got married here tomorrow? You won’t even have to leave your recliner!” She teared up, we teared up, she told us it would be very nice and mean a lot to her. She said she knew she wouldn’t make it to our January wedding so this made her very happy that she would still be there for our special day.

We went to Ulta and I spent hours searching for allergy-friendly makeup. Called family members in parking lots between errands and invited them to come sit in Grandma’s living room for our spontaneous wedding. We went home to finalize the other details like decorations to make it still feel like a special day and not a day surrounded by grief. Andrew made the altar. I made the hoop with flowers. He made my bridal bouquet. We got my bridal shower dress altered at the only tailor that was open on a Saturday. After what felt like months of planning pushed into 12 hours, we were both ready to shower and sleep. One big problem though: our apartment buildings hot water heater broke and so every faucet poured ice-cold water.

That was my breaking point.

If you haven’t sensed a theme just yet, let me clarify: I’m a big crier. For years of my life I’d fight back tears and unfortunately that broke me because now I have absolutely no control over holding back sobbing my eyes out. So I cried. I broke down saying that we waited ten years to get married and I couldn’t even shower before the big day. I knew that I wouldn’t get to wear the expensive dream dress or have my hair and makeup done up by professionals. I knew there would be sacrifices here but I didn’t know that I’d be sacrificing my shower. The warm shower where I could finally clean my stress hair and shave with warm water wasn’t going to happen. That was my breaking point.

I cried to the point of feeling sick to my stomach and Andrew asked, “What do you want? Do you not want to get married tomorrow?” And I said with every fiber of my being, “I’ve known I’ve wanted to marry you since our first date, it’s not that. I could marry you whenever and wherever. I want Grandma to be there for our day. I just wanted to wash this horrible day off. I don’t want all the stress surrounding tomorrow. It’s so rushed and I hate that. We’re good people, why does it have to happen this way? Why can’t anything be easy?”

Because sacrifice is never easy. It’s hard for a reason, that’s why it’s literally called sacrificing - you’re giving something up. The bigger picture is that it makes it so much more special.

The morning of the wedding there was no hiding the bride from the groom. I woke up beside my groom. It was actually really nice to know that everyone else wasn’t part of the planning or the stress. It was just us doing this big giant thing until we all met up at Grandma’s house.

My "shower" on the morning of our wedding.

We boiled water and placed it in three large mixing bowls. One bowl of water was for my exfoliator and soap. The second was for rinsing and the third was for additional rinses. A normal shower usually takes me 10-15 minutes minimum. However, constantly running between boiling water and pouring into bowls back and forth led to a “shower” that lasted well over an hour. Shaving was not ideal. Lots of razor burn. Neither was washing my hair upside down pouring bowls onto my head, but it was necessary. Believe it or not, I felt a lot better after that lengthy boiling water/bowl-shower.

I learned how to do my makeup thanks to Youtube. I did my hair as it naturally would fall because my dress was very bohemian anyway so it all felt very natural. Thank God that Andrew surprised me with the dress for my bridal shower. Thank God we found that tailor that was open to alter it on the same day. Thank God my friend Richie had a backdrop stand for our makeshift altar. Thank God our family members were available on last-minute notice to attend our Grandma Wedding. God had a hand in many aspects of the wedding even if the hot water heater seemed to get left out of the equation.

I was worried the day would feel sad because of the reason it all happened so fast. I was worried it would be overshadowed somehow. But I was more than anything else, heartsick over the thought of Grandma not being there for this union. So we left in an uber and held hands quietly in the backseat of the car.

We played Kina Grannis’ cover of “Can’t Help Falling In Love” as I walked down the “aisle,” which was really just up the front steps of the house down to the arch of the living room. The instrumental part of this song is the same beat as the infamous Hallelujah. That song always brings me to tears because I physically feel God in the lyrics. So to have that be the music playing as I walked, made me feel God in the room. Though, truly, God was there regardless of the music playing.

“Like a river flows

Surely to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things are meant to be

So take my hand

Take my whole life, too

For I can't help falling in love with you”

We got married again in the church a few months later and it was also very special but that first wedding brings me to tears for so many different reasons. Grandma passed a week later, one day after her 100th birthday. It was in the same house that we married just a week before with many of the same loved ones surrounding her. If we had not rushed around figuring out how to get married in three days time, we wouldn’t have had a complete wedding. It wouldn’t have been “right.” We both needed Grandma there.

Do you know what I learned from Grandma? I learned more about love. I witnessed hundreds of cards lace her walls wishing her Happy Birthday. Some were from strangers who just felt so inspired by the life this woman led that they wanted to take part in the celebration. Other cards were from people who’s lives were touched by her. Her husband passed after his 100th birthday too and I know she wanted her date to our wedding in the church, the very same church they renewed their vows in. I know she was present for both weddings but it made it much more special having our spontaneous wedding right across from her in her chair, in the home she raised her family in. My husband is one branch of a family tree that began in that home.

I wish I had the words to comfort you in the days to come. I wish I knew exactly what to say for you to feel better about potentially cancelled wedding plans and not having the dream wedding you’ve always wanted right now. I can only tell you how sometimes tossing out those plans and starting from scratch in a way you’ve never imagined before could lead you to the most memorable and grateful wedding you could ever dream of. At the end of the day, all that matters is that you two commit your love forever. If you feel that can only be done in the elaborate hall with 100+ guests dancing the night away then maybe see if you can wait until next year. If the when and where doesn’t matter though, just do it. Find a way to make it special and make it happen, even if that means “showering” in three bowls and youtubing instructions on the little details of your day.

This time of fear and panic surrounding covid-19 has sort of broken down all the walls of expectations within people. We’ve been secluded to our homes, forced to deal with our internal workings and thoughts. Ask yourself, what matters to you the most? If you can get your deposits back, save them for a future house that will lay down the roots of your family tree. Create a smaller wedding with only your closest family or closest friend-family. Devote a special day to this commitment and know that any sacrifice you’re making is for the greater good.

One day, when you’re nearing your 100th birthday and telling your grandkids the story of how you and your spouse got married - you’ll have the most memorable story to share. “It was in the middle of a pandemic, kids. The world was at a screeching halt! But I loved your grandfather so much and we both knew that the only thing that mattered was starting our lives together. So we figured out a way, any way, to make that happen…”

How romantic. I believe in you two. You got this.

Love,

Megan

Our extra special wedding cake.

Gluten-free cheese cake made by my Mother-In-Law.