Thank you, 2018!

In previous years I’ve looked at the new year as an opportunity to be a better version of myself. I’ve made the “I’ll exercise” resolution more times than I can count and to be completely honest I rarely start exercising in January. Usually it’s sometime in March or April when the warm weather is fast approaching and I’m anxious over not having a bikini body. It’s hardly ever for the right reasons.

Here’s the thing though - 2018 has been one for the books. It’s the year I wrote and completed my actual book. I will never get tired of saying that and it’s not because I want to boast or inflate my ego in any way. It’s simply because I was once a little girl who was just learning to read and telling everyone who would listen that, “I’m going to write a book someday.” That statement lasted through my childhood, into my teens and into my twenties. It took 28/29 years of my life to finally fulfill a lifelong dream and I’ve learned that many people never have the courage to do that.

2018 was my year of courage. I’ve always been known as being so anxious and fearful but this year I found my voice again and she’s been screaming, “I’m stronger than I’ve given myself credit for.”

This last year I wrote and completed my memoir. I somehow found the guts to contact a literary agent I met at my last job and even though my heart almost beat through my chest, my hands trembled so hard I could barely type the words, and I held my breath the entire time - I e-mailed him my memoir. I cried when he responded with such positive feedback. I cried when he sent me a book he thought I’d like because it fits similarly to my own book. I cried when I realized God puts people in your path to help you along the way.

When spirit sent the message that it was time to begin professional readings and I hesitantly agreed to follow the guidance- I was met with the most fulfilling part of my life thus far. Imagine being a channel for messages that help people let go of what is holding them back. It’s humbling!

Spirit has given me the image of a lamp. That’s what I am. When the messages come through it’s like electricity surges to shed a beam of bright light down for the client to finally see clearly. Except that surge of electricity doesn’t just help the client but it helps me feel so much more connected and centered in this body and soul. 2018 gave me that. God gave me that.

In this last year I’ve found the power of “No” with no follow up explanation. I’ve learned the power of, “I don’t like that” or “I won’t surround myself with that.” 2018 gave me the power of boundaries with people, places, energies, things, etc… If it does not suit me - I let it go.

A year ago at this time I was feeling so much darkness surround me. I had listened to God’s guidance. I quit my job to write my book and after months passed, the book was still not finished. The money in my bank account dwindled down to nothing and I was praying for tax season just to live off of my returns. Who says that? “I was praying for tax season.” That’s how desperate I was. I was praying for the small tax returns just so that I could pay my phone bill and contribute something to my boyfriend for our rent. For the first 6 months of my unemployment I made sure I paid my share of the bills but by this time last year suddenly the reality of my not having an income set in and I was terrified.

I’ve written before about how I unfortunately judge my self worth by the money in my bank account or having a job. I credit this to my homelessness because even though I was ready to stand tall against critics and say, “My homelessness doesn’t make me any less of a person than you!” Truthfully, I felt unworthy of anything other people had and this baggage clung to my heart for all of these years. In my mind, to not have a job meant that I wasn’t worthy of peaceful or loving moments. It meant that every waking moment for most of 2018 had to be stressful and focused on the outcome of my book or the outcome of the guidance God was giving me.

I don’t like that I stressed so much in 2018 but this baggage I’ve held onto for 10+ years did two things for me. It provided the drive and the hustle to get the job done. Secondly, it taught me how important it was to let that shit go.

When I tell you that 2018 has been one for the books it’s literally because I have never experienced a year filled with so much shedding of my false beliefs. I had to shed the false belief that a 9-5 job = happiness, self value, or self worth. I had to find other things to empower my sense of hustle, like seeing the finish line and knowing that is enough to light the fire in me. Truthfully all self doubt does is hinder the passion to get you to the next stage in life.

In the beginning of this year I wrote myself a letter. I won’t give the details of the content of this letter but it was an apology to me for never giving credit to myself for all that I’ve gotten through. Yes, I am beyond blessed to have a boyfriend who is as supportive as he was this last year to take care of us financially when I was barely bringing in money. Yes, I am beyond blessed that, even though he doesn’t believe in psychic mediums, he will always believe in me.

But I also have to give credit the to woman that woke up every morning and after kissing her boyfriend goodbye, unapologetically did what spirit wanted her to do. They wanted me to write. I wrote. They wanted me to edit. I edited. They wanted me to film videos for youtube. I produced, edited and posted them for the world to see even though I was terrified that I was publicly outing myself. When spirit wanted me to make a website - I did my research, figured out how to design it myself and I did that in 1 weeks time!

When spirit wanted me to reach out to estranged family members from my fathers side of the family. I did that too. And nothing says facing your fears like e-mailing a family member you thought abandoned you 20 years ago. Nothing says facing your deepest insecurities like visiting them on a rainy day in February with frizzy hair, dripping clothes and the nerves of “did you leave because you didn’t love me?” wrapped around your heart.

Nothing says letting go and moving forward like saying, “This pain I’ve held onto is only anchoring me to this dark place. It’s time to let it go.”

In 2018 I walked into a house that I have not stepped into since my Grampa Jack’s death when I was 5. In 2018 I did a stage reading for a beautiful theater company and even though I nervously flubbed the words, stuttered and turned red, you best believe that Megan Allegra Sughrue took control of her life.

In the beginning of 2018 I found out about severe allergies. I had an attack that I thought was going to kill me. I laid in bed, gasping for air, panicking and trembling because I could not get enough air into my tightening lungs. Andrew held me, calmed me down, and from that point forward I vowed to take care of my body.

You see, I was learning to conquer the way my mind was tricking me into these false beliefs but I also needed to conquer the way I viewed my body. It is not just a machine that needs to exercise in March or April in preparation for a bikini. It’s organs and cells that work hard every single second of the day to help me LIVE.

That meant I needed to treat it well. I had already cut meat out of my diet but by January I did an entire overhaul of what I put into my system. No wheat. No oat. No barley. No chocolate. Rarely any processed foods. Nothing that could ever put me in the position I was in before, gasping for air, afraid that I was going to die because a speck of chocolate was on my candy.

I began taking supplements and nourishing my body with plants. I drank celery juice and smelled like it every single day because I threw out all of my old beauty products. You’d be surprised what has wheat and cocoa in it! Salt deodorant is great and all but it does not mask the smell of celery in your system. Removing the bad beauty products helped my hair grow back. The thinning patches on my scalp suddenly filled out with beautiful baby hairs and even though the white hair seemed to increase plenty - I look at the strands in the mirror and say, “thank you, thank you, thank you for being here!!”

In 2018, I struggled. I struggled with thinking of myself as a failure. I struggled with the fear of “could this food secretly have wheat? Will it kill me if I eat this?” I struggled with “people will think I’m crazy” and I struggled with “I don’t want to let Andrew down. He’s supported me for too long.” Part of me letting go was relinquishing control over what I thought made me worthy and what actually made me feel fulfilled.

I also physically struggled. When I was in my mid teens to early twenties I struggled with the idea of needing to be skinny to be beautiful. I was very briefly anorexic but that mentality stuck with me for nearly 10 years. I used to beg to see my ribs or hip bones. As I got older I realized the thicker I was the sexier I felt. So when I lost such a dramatic amount of weight I suddenly regretted my former mentality. “This is not sexy,” and “I look disgusting” were negative thoughts I had every single time I saw myself in the mirror.

When I went to a wedding and had a man approach me to tell me how bad I looked because “You’re like a fucking scarecrow now. It’s not cute. You used to have a sexier body than this. Go eat a steak.” I was heartbroken and angry. But remember that thing I said about finding my voice? It took time but I had to learn to shut that talk down. My body may be thin but is it nourished? Yes, I could use more protein but other than that I’m very healthy these days. My organs thank me every day by working in my favor and my allergies have even subsided a bit. Just because others think my body is “a fucking scarecrow now” doesn’t mean I have to. This scarecrow doesn’t need to explain herself or her health to appease other peoples negativity.

By the end of this year, I was interviewed for a job at a PR Firm and the night before I tried on all my work clothes from past jobs. I tried on the slacks and the button downs. I tried on the blazers. They all slipped off my body like the scarecrow other people thought I was.

In past years, when I couldn’t find the right outfit for an interview, I’d cry. I’d look in the mirror and panic while suddenly focusing on all of my flaws. “My ass is not big enough for these pants. My thighs are too thin for these slacks. This button down is shifting because my chest is too small to hold it in place! My boney shoulders are making me look like a football player.”

Not this time. I texted my friends, annoyed. I felt like crying but held back. I told myself I’ve come too far to let baggy slacks be my downfall. “It’s not the end of the world.”

I found a pair of black jeans and heels that I liked. I found an intentionally baggy button down shirt and a blazer that I used to wear at my last job. Everyone said that it’s better to dress professional than to dress fitted. But spirit told me to wear what made me feel beautiful and when I entered that office for my interview 15 minutes late because I got lost trying to find the building - I reminded myself, “It’s not the end of the world. I got this job.”

And you know what - I got that job.

It didn’t matter that I wasn’t dressed “professionally” or wearing a suit. I came in as Megan, black jeans in a thin frame. Everyone warned me not to mention that this last year I worked professionally as a medium because people view that as “fake” or “crazy.” I told myself, no - if I’m coming in confident in one aspect of my life then I need to be confident with my entire self. That is what made me stand out and I’m really grateful to have found a company that accepts me for who I am.

I like to think that it was my reward for a year of letting go and accepting myself fully. Everything you see here is authentically me, flaws and all. I’m grateful for that.

My wish for 2019 is that we all accept ourselves for who we really are and not for what people want us to be. If I listened to the judgers I wouldn’t have written my book. I wouldn’t have found the guts to contact that agent. I definitely wouldn’t have had the nerve to begin professional readings, let alone make videos on youtube about what I do! If I listened to the judgers and believed their voice was more valuable than mine then I wouldn’t have designed my website myself. I wouldn’t have accepted the offer to have my illustration appear in a magazine. I wouldn’t have sat on stage with wonderful actors and read stage direction to a beautiful play. If I listened to my self doubt, I wouldn’t have reconnected with my paternal family members. If I didn’t do this then I’d be holding onto a pain that was holding me back.

If I didn’t listen to my own voice and follow the guidance of the still, small voice within, then I wouldn’t be here today writing this to you. As 2018 comes to a close and 2019 waits for its turn, welcome it with open arms and embrace all the beautiful things that are in store! The good, the bad, the ugly, the unfortunate, and the miraculous all have their purpose. I can’t wait to see what that is!

Happy New Year, from my heart to yours!