National Coming Out Day

When I was in junior high school I sat between two of my friends in my school auditorium. For the sake of their privacy, I’ll call them Jake and Elizabeth. They were whispering over my lap, covering their mouths so I couldn’t read their lips. Our classmates were so loud that their voices jumbled together into a white noise, making it so I really couldn’t hear Jake or Elizabeth’s whispers even if I tried. I slowly drifted off into a daydream when Jake stopped whispering to Elizabeth and nervously sat up in his seat.

“Megan…” He looked me in the eye and then abruptly looked down. His hands were fidgeting with each other as he looked over at Elizabeth. She was smiling wide with so much excitement, encouraging him to speak to me. “Megan… I have something to tell you and I’m nervous about it but Elizabeth said I could trust you… so… um…”

I looked over at Elizabeth who, at this point, was looking like a little kid on Christmas morning about to meet Santa for the first time. Jake was visibly nervous. He leaned into my ear and covered his mouth, whispering to me, “I’m gay.”

This was an enormous moment for Jake and I did not realize the impact until this year. I feel embarrassed to admit that but it’s true.

Jake was often teased by the other boys in our classes because of his “more feminine” mannerisms and higher-pitched voice. He always acted like he could hang with all of the girls and all of the guys but the guys weren’t as nice as we were. Long before he came out to me, I assumed he was gay and it didn’t seem like a big deal to me so I never put much thought into it.

One of my earliest memories consists of my uncle asking me if I had any crushes in kindergarten. I remember giggling and saying, “I don’t know! How do I know if I like a boy?” My uncle then proceeded to tell me the first time he realized he had a crush on a boy. Our conversation was totally normal and so when people would act flustered or outraged by people who were gay I couldn’t understand it. It’s normal. My uncle is gay. Other people are gay. What’s the big deal? From that point forward I saw everyone as potentially having crushes on whoever they wanted.

When Jake looked at me for a big reaction I didn’t know what to do. I glanced at Elizabeth who was beaming with pride for this historic moment in Jakes life and I mimicked her excitement. “You are!?” I said out loud, as if I didn’t already know. “That’s amazing! Congratulations!” He asked me to keep it a secret and I promised that I would for as long as he wanted me to. He then gushed over how big of a crush he had on a boy in our class and admitted he was afraid of how the other boys would react if they found out.

My high school was an art school so there were a lot of openly gay people there. Gone were the days of my friend whispering in my ear “I’m gay.” Instead, I frequently had to ask boys to stop making out on my locker. Everyone seemed to be “out.” Girls would discuss their girlfriends like it was nothing because… it really isn’t a big deal. The only time someones sexual orientation mattered to me was when I realized my first “real” boyfriend was gay after he kissed me. Maybe he didn’t even know yet but I took the train home pained with the idea of, “How do I break up with him without hurting him? Will he even be hurt if he’s not actually into me? Does he know he’s not into me? Do I tell him? How do I even know?” I guess I knew because, even back then, spirit was giving me clues into my life. He kissed me and I heard “he’s gay” and just assumed it was my own thought and not a comment from my spirit guides. Now, in hindsight, I realize this was definitely spirit interfering and nudging me to end things so that this boyfriend could come to terms with his truth.

When one of my close friends told me her parents were gay and asked me to join the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) I just figured that was a good way to show her I was her friend. Again, I did not truly realize the impact that such an alliance had on people who needed to feel accepted. I wasn’t oblivious. I knew that if you weren’t straight then you weren’t easily accepted. I knew that if you weren’t straight you didn’t have as many rights as straight people and I knew that you’d be unfairly judged. I knew that my friend was dealing with the judgements of classmates who made stupid comments about her mothers and I knew that I wanted her to feel that I had her back.

I just didn’t really understand why coming out was such an enormous deal.

I once did a reading for a client who happens to be gay. Toward the end of the reading he asked how I felt going public about being a Psychic Medium and I said, “I don’t know… It’s kind of terrifying. Like, there is this major part of myself that I have tried so hard to shut off for years but it’s a part of me and I feel like I should be proud of it but everyone else thinks it means I’m crazy. I’m scared of how people will respond to it but I’m also done with hiding it…” and he very sweetly responded, “Now you understand what it’s like coming out as gay.”

This blew me away.

I did everything I could to not be a psychic medium. I closed my eyes when I’d see a ghost or spirit. I’d stop talking about it to people so that I could pretend it was a figment of my imagination. I allowed the anxiety to build instead of acknowledge the spiritual nudges I was feeling. I convinced myself that I was losing my mind and belonged in a mental hospital. I convinced myself that I was stupid and not worthy of love because I was weirder than most other people. I hated myself. I questioned God’s existence because “He wouldn’t make me like this if He were real!” But accepting this gift was to accept an enormous part of myself that makes my life so much more fulfilling and special.

I realize now that we all have some aspect of ourselves that society may deem a problem and so we feel ashamed and try to hide it. The mask we learn to wear over time becomes thicker than armor and we teach ourselves, “If I wear this then I’ll fit in.” But to wear the mask and allow that to define us is to deny God of His perfect design. He made us all individually. Every flaw, wrinkle, white hair, weird birthmark, personality trait, or sexual orientation is all part of His plan for a reason. To accept it as something to be proud of really is like meeting Santa on Christmas morning; it’s magical.

I finally understand why Elizabeth was beaming with pride in the moment that Jake came out to me. She was a witness to someone accepting their true self. She knew this was a big step for Jake to love himself more fully. Just because I saw this as “normal” didn’t mean that I saw it for all that it was. Removing his mask, even to one person, was a gesture of faith and love in himself. At the end of the day, God wants His children to love themselves fully so that they are more open to loving others too.

Today is National Coming Out Day and I wanted to tell those of you who are still wearing your thick mask of armor, praying to be more like everyone else, that you are a special light on this earth. Your truest self exists because your most fulfilling life can only be obtained if you remove the mask. At the end of the day, we all want to be loved deeply and be able to love in return. What better a way to announce your love for yourself than to come out as who you really are and not as what society expects you to be.

If you remain in hiding, I understand that too. But your true self is waiting and I pray that you find the courage and self love to embrace who you really are.

For those of you who are “out,” I am sorry if I never understood where you were coming from as your voice trembled admitting this part of yourself you’ve hidden. I thank you for the courage you’ve shown and for reminding me that regardless of how scary it is to come out - it is always so much scarier remaining hidden.

Happy National Coming Out Day!