My friend Cassandra.

My friend Cassandra has been on my mind a lot today. I can’t stop thinking about her. I miss her and her ability to say anything that’s on her mind but also somehow comfort you in the process. I went to look at old text messages between us hoping to find comfort and was surprised to see one in particular from 2017:

“Everyone dies. I think it’s more painful for those who are left than when we do the leaving.”

That was the year that I started getting really bad vertigo. I learned, through Cassandra, that vertigo was a symptom of when my soul isn’t really in my body. I learned this because that was the year Cassandra tried to take her life.

I didn’t know that until a month or two after the fact. There was a bad month where I would wake up in the morning and feel like I wasn’t in my body. I felt like my body was on a boat on rough seas. I would clutch the wall to walk around my apartment and find no relief from motion sickness. Vertigo was bad and doctors told me they couldn’t find a reason for it. Blood pressure dropping seemed to be the only possibility but it lasted for weeks.

When my vertigo finally subsided and I felt like I was coming back to life again, I texted Cassandra. There was no correlation with this. I just happened to text her after seeing her boyfriend on TV. “Is that him on the phone in Impractical Jokers?” I texted, laughing. She told me “yup, that was one of the days he was waiting for me after work.” Then she went on to tell me that she just got back home in recent days after trying to kill herself.

My heart dropped. There goes the blood pressure. “What?!”

Cassandra told me that she attempted suicide but was brought to the hospital before she died. She told me that she was in the psych ward for a few weeks and that she felt my soul with her every single day. I’ll never forget how she was so open to being vulnerable in explaining what happened. She was usually so rigid in her energy- strong, overpowering sometimes, but never vulnerable. There was one time when we worked together that she started to cry and she left to do it in private because she didn’t want anyone to see her like that. Her openness in this particular conversation shocked me.

Cassandra said that she couldn’t explain it and she’s never been an overly spiritual person but that throughout her time healing from that trauma, she felt me standing next to her every step of the way. When she explained the dates she was there, I realized it was the same days that I was experiencing my vertigo.

That’s when I learned vertigo was my symbol for loved ones about to cross over. It was my sign that my soul was out of my body helping them in some way.

I had plans to get lunch with Cassandra a few months later but texted her begging to reschedule. I had just left my Akashic Records and was told that my souls purpose was to help souls transition to the other side. I cried as I told her that spirit explained I’d be starting this with a family member. I couldn’t stop crying. She comforted me in a very Cassandra-way, saying, “You obviously like a tie to death in some way- based on seeing dead people. Maybe you’re supposed to be helping with both sides of the process.” She suggested I read about death counseling and I told her that I was not strong enough to do that. I told her my heart was hurting at the thought.

“It would be someone you love so you will truly understand. You wouldn’t have the same insight to help others without experiencing it. If there’s something to the concept of soul contracts, you shouldn’t be afraid because you were “built” for it for lack of a better word. Loss is painful, but if you have a unique ability to understand and help it will be worth it. You’ll get drained, but charged/rewarded at the same time. If it’s something you were meant for you know pretty quickly. You’ll stretch, not snap.” Then she told me she was rooting for me and that meant more than most people would be able to understand unless you know Cassandra personally.

Cassandra was strong willed and very opinionated. Everything was related back to science and she could give you a long explanation of the scientific reason to a persons actions but this type of comfort was a special gift she bestowed on people who she let in to see her light. If you were let in, you know how special and bright that light is. When she let you into her life, she’d be the honesty you needed and the strong voiced cheerleader you always wanted.

Cassandra texted me days before Grandma died. She told me she saw my spontaneous wedding photos and I looked beautiful. She was happy for me. She asked me to meet up someday soon and I didn’t respond because my heart was heavy with grief. I was preoccupied with the fears that this was the time spirit talked about. I was sad and worried that the conversation I had with Cassandra was coming to fruition. As much as it hurt to be in the room when a loved one passes, I felt in my heart that there was nowhere else I’d rather be. It was my spiritual responsibility to be there when the portal opened and Grandma transitioned. I would stretch, not snap.

A week later, on my way to work after being gone on bereavement, I received a message from Cassandra’s boyfriend that she killed herself. I gasped on the bus. The quiet bus that nobody speaks on because we all pay extra to commute on cushion seats and silence. I gasped and I cried.

I had vertigo but attributed it to crying so much that I somehow clogged my ears and triggered it. I thought it was a physical problem. I refused to believe it was my spiritual sign.

For weeks after, I had a hard time living through the grief of Grandma and Cassandra. She texted me and I didn’t respond. I was too preoccupied with my grief to be there for my friend. Could I have stopped her? Could I have helped?

In hindsight, I think Cassandra knew my soul was with her still. I think she texted me something sweet like a congratulations and “You look beautiful” because she wanted me to have something to hold onto that made me smile. A compliment. She didn’t offer these a lot to just anyone so it meant a lot for me to receive it.

Her last words to me were “I would love to see you.” On days like today, when I’m swimming through this wave of grief, she’s with me. She sees me and she sees me more truthfully than I ever allow people to see. She sees my soul and I recognize hers.

Last night I dreamt I was at a graduation. It was enormous, like three football fields of people. I was trying to find my cap and gown but I couldn’t. I asked around and one friend lent me theirs but it wouldn’t fit. I told them I was going to get it dry cleaned for them so it was nice and clean and they told me there’s no need, they just needed it for today. They asked for it back and found their seat.

I often say that when a soul transitions to the other side it’s like they’re graduating. This is because Echo Bodine once explained it this way and it stood out as the truth to me. She said that our time on earth is an education for our souls. We learn to be more loving to each other and to ourselves here. We learn many lessons here. When our education is over, it’s like a big graduation day where we finally get to go home after so much time away.

I didn’t see the faces in my dream. I just felt a lot of people I’ve met in my life. Some I went to school with, some I met randomly on no particular day. I just recognized the feeling of being amongst my global family on this mass graduation ceremony. When I tried to find my seat, I was told it wasn’t my time to graduate yet. I was pushed away from the 2020 graduates and made to sit with the friends and family who were watching.

As many of us lose our loved ones to this virus and other causes of death across the world, I ask you to envision this instead of the fears and tragedy of what’s physically happening on earth. I ask you to envision your loved one who has passed as part of this big graduation celebration. Their soul was so excited and ready for their big important day. They finished their education and they were excited to go home.

Many souls are still preparing spiritually. Many signed their soul contracts years ago to be part of this mass exit. Many have reevaluated and decided they want to continue on. For the souls that are ready to go, please do not take this personally. Do not think that your loved one doesn’t want to be with you. Don’t think that they aren’t trying hard enough spiritually to stay here. They love you and know the spiritual truth, that “here” is just across the veil from home. Souls are limitless so they can be everywhere that “here” is, no matter the timezone, country, or mental space you hold. They are free from bodily restrictions.

It’s like Cassandra said, “Everyone dies. I think it’s more painful for those who are left than when we do the leaving.” For those of us who sit on the side of this graduation, watching our loved ones gather together to finish their education, I know it’s going to be hard. There will be days like today where grief feels like it’s purpose is to drown you. It will feel like you can’t swim or float but I’m here to remind you that you can and will get through this. The purpose of grief is to educate us, heal us, and teach us even more about love. After all, that’s the only thing that never ever dies. We are made up of love. God is love and He made us in His image. And, at a time of social isolation and social distancing, these are acts of love.

Cassandra made it peacefully to the other side. She’s doing really well and has told me directly and in a reading that I received, she’s much happier where she is. Just like in life, Cassandra stands firm with her decisions. Though it hurts all of us that she left behind, she doesn’t regret her decision to come home early. She feels it was best for her because she’s doing so much better now.

With that said, suicide is not an option. Those of us who suffer from depression, may often times feel suffocated by the thoughts we have inside ourselves. Being isolated can sometimes magnify those dark thoughts and make us question whether or not the darkness is temporary. If you or a loved one is suffering through this, please don’t hesitate to reach out for help. This is a beautiful time in the world where people are much more open to talk about their mental health because we’re all trying to get through the craziness happening outside together. We have more time to self reflect and realize that we’re all a global family. Nobody is truly alone, even if it feels that way.

There are also so many resources available that can be done at home. Therapists, Psychologists and Councilors are accessible through the phone and videocalls. Gone are the days where you have to work up the courage to commute to a stranger to ask for guidance. Now you can do it from the safety of your home.

Last but not least, if you haven’t heard it today: I love you. I truly do. Even if you are not my family or my friend. If we have met in passing or if we’ve never met before. I love you. I’m here with you because our souls decided to be there for each other long before we were born. Don’t allow the darkness inside you to trick your mind into thinking you’re not loved, worthy or that you’re alone because you’re none of those things. You are worthy of love in all healthy forms. You’re worthy of a healthy and happy life. You will get through this. We all will.

In the words of my friend Cassandra, “You shouldn’t be afraid because you were “built” for it.” We all were. We got this.

Love,

Megan