Lifetimes of Lessons.

This was the day my father abandoned my family. At least that’s what I was told my entire childhood. The story has changed, depending on who you ask, but for as long as I can remember- I’ve been told the last day any of us saw this man for years was May 20th 1990. Of course, I don’t remember the day because it was my first birthday but my whole life I’ve been told the story about how this was the day he informed everyone he was going to leave to be with his mistress who was pregnant with his other daughter.

When your external space is a mess, it’s a reflection on how you feel inside. So today I realized I need to clean my room. In the process of taking summer clothes out of my closet, to hopefully store too many winter clothes in there, I found an old photo album and smiled thinking of all the happy memories I’d get to revisit. I sat on my bed, opened it up and there was this photo.

For some reason it hurt me today. I don’t think I’ve ever looked at this photo and cried before. Normally I laugh at how intensely I am looking at that chocolate cake (oh, how I wish I wasn’t allergic to chocolate anymore!) and how happy it makes me that Grampa Jack is holding the cake. Normally I think, “wow, even just from her side profile- mom is a stunner.” But today, for some reason, all I saw was this man leaning on my high chair. This man who’s face I see every time I look in the mirror. This man who I guess thought, “what better day to abandon my family of 5 then on the youngest ones birthday!” And it broke me.

I have been told by many people before that I’m not lovable. I know that sounds unbelievable but that’s the truth. I’ve been told in the clearest terms, that I am not worthy of being loved and I have been told my anxiety makes me unlovable by the people who I care for the most. In fact, multiple people told me they were shocked my own husband could love me when we first started dating. Being told by so many people that you aren’t deserving of love can trick you into believing it. But that’s a false narrative. It has taken me years of learning to love myself in spite of this. It has taken years to see that there’s usually a reason you’re told the same message over and over again, however untrue it may be.

I believe all people are inherently good. I believe that even the ones that hurt you, were likely hurt themselves and that they never took the time to heal, or believed that they were not deserving to heal themselves.

I believe that when we are all born, we are souls made of the most glorious light but as we age, we interact with other souls who have experienced trauma, grief or pain and may not have the emotional or spiritual maturity to grow from it. Sometimes this trauma or pain they carry isn’t even from this life and so they project insecurities or pain onto others because that’s all they know how to do until they’re spiritually ready to grow. Those souls impact us in ways that may hurt us but it’s our own responsibility to self reflect and ask “what was supposed to come from this?” And “will I carry their baggage with me on my journey? Or will I learn to heal from it myself?”

When I received my past life regression last December, I saw myself in many different human forms. I was a knight bleeding out by himself, dying in battle and afraid nobody would find his body. I was an Asian mother devastated with the loss of her husband and the suicide of her son. I was a Victorian woman in a mental institution, trapped because she saw ghosts and society thought she was crazy. I was a nun who relayed the message of God and was beaten to death by the clergy for “having the devil inside me.” I was a waiter on the Titanic, banging down doors of the lower-class families, trying to save them from the water rising on their floor.

In every life, I was hurt by another human, sometimes even myself. That is the nature of human existence. And in every life, I still had hope. I was still naively open to sharing the word of God or doing His work even if it endangered my own life in the process.

In every life, I loved every single person more than myself. We are given cycles to learn lessons and I think the biggest lesson I didn’t learn from countless lives before was to love me. God has told me how He wants all of His children to love each other and to love themselves too. To love our Holy vessels and celebrate our souls for their most genuine selves. I lacked this in all my past lives. I was ready to lay down my life for any one of God’s children (and I did, so many lifetimes before) but I never tried to spare myself. I never tried to put myself first or love me.

I am breaking the cycle now. That’s what the biggest lesson of my current life is: to love just as deeply as I ever did before with other people but to give myself that same amount of love right back. I deserve it. No matter if other souls told me otherwise. They were simply the messengers of the lesson I needed to learn now.

And in that way, I am so grateful for them.

I know it's not an easy process, letting go of the lies you've been told. I know I will still have days where my insecurities surrounding being loved rear their ugly little head and I know I will cry again over the fear that I am unlovable. Nobody said breaking a cycle is easy or that it can happen in one hour of contemplating your lifetimes past. It is worth it though. And for as long as I'm alive, I vow to love myself to the best of my abilities each day. Sometimes that means establishing a boundary with a pushy person and other times it's simply speaking your truth in a conversation. I've always been good at the latter but will continue to work on boundaries and eliminating all the false narratives I've been told.

I am extraordinarily lovable. I treat people with respect, love and kindness and I deserve that same amount of respect, love and kindness in return. I am special. I am deserving. I am worthy. No matter what anyone else has told me or tried to convince me. And when my day comes to return to home to God, I will know that I finally learned the lesson of this life: I deserve to live, fully, openly, and proudly. Just as much as any other soul.

Thank you to everyone who helped me see this in the last year. I know I could have done it without you but it would have taken twice as long and likely been even more difficult to get here. I love you and thank you for being part of my journey, whether you were a childhood bully or a loved one who broke my heart. Thank you for teaching me the lessons I know I'm ready to learn: I am loved. I am cared for. I deserve the love I give to others.

And hey, we're in this together. So don't forget you're breaking cycles and healing from trauma too. what lesson(s) do you think you are supposed to learn in this life? What cycles do you need to break? Do it. Do it now so you don't have to do it in the next lifetime. But hey, if you decide to wait, I'll be there then too.

I love you. Always.