Just Send Me a Sign

Last night my neighbor and I discussed how often we cry. She told me that she cries over everything, including commercials, but that when her brother was alive he’d remain stoic with even the most heart-wrenching thing on television or in his life. She said, “I don’t know what it is about men but they feel like they can’t cry. They have to look tough and not shed a tear. I don’t think that’s healthy. Sometimes you just gotta let yourself have one really big cry. Like every single year I turn on “It’s a Wonderful Life” and I watch it from start to finish several times before Christmas - I cry my eyes out!! My brother never understood it but sometimes you need to just let it out.”

I said that I think times are changing. I think my generation and the ones that came after us grew up a little more open with their emotions. Of course, we’re not perfect and nobody is, but I feel like the men my age are thankfully more open about how they feel these days and it doesn’t make them any less of a man. I told her that this week marks the anniversary of when we buried Uncle Rob. I told her that watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” is particularly hard for me so I only designate one night a year to do it. It’s an emotional movie on its own but ever since Uncle Rob died I see him in George Bailey.

On the day of Uncle Rob’s wake, a Parks Department bus full of people came to pay their respects. Each person explained how Uncle Rob touched their lives in some way. It was the equivalent to the entire town showing up in Bailey’s living room ready to donate their money. Instead of money, they offered memories of how Uncle Rob encouraged them to never give up or how his smile lit up a room. The bus full of old coworkers was the equivalent of the town showing their support and love for a man who always showed support and love to them.

Of course, unlike George Bailey, Uncle Rob’s suicide wasn’t stopped by an angel trying to earn his wings. Maybe an angel did try to interfere but Uncle Rob wasn’t having it. Who knows. The moments leading up to his death are still one big question mark that I’ll never have the answers for.

I thought about my neighbors brother and how she said he never cried. I don’t think I ever saw Uncle Rob cry. He too always remained “tough” like a “man’s man.” I wondered if he could have prevented his suicide by being more open with his emotions. Perhaps it would have helped him cope a little easier with whatever caused him to kill himself. I’ll never know and I don’t think I’m supposed to.

A year ago on the anniversary of Uncle Rob’s suicide I spent the day alone and distraught. I went for a walk in the park because he used to work there and all I wanted was to feel his energy again. I went to the greenhouse, hoping to be let in so that I could walk the grounds he once walked. When I approached the entrance I saw several signs saying only Parks Department employees were allowed in. I’ve always been someone who follows the rules and gets anxiety at the thought of breaking them. I wish I were more of a rebel. I wish I wouldn’t be so nervous to break a rule from time to time but unfortunately that’s just who I am. So I turned to walk away from the entrance, feeling defeated by a hanging sign, when a squirrel started screaming beside me on the fence that held the sign.

After Uncle Rob’s death I had a reading done by a fantastic medium named Alice. She told me that Uncle Rob sends squirrels as his sign that he’s near me. I told her that’s crazy because I don’t really like squirrels and she started laughing. “Oh yea, he’s laughing right now saying he knows! That’s why he uses them with you!” That’s the type of humor Uncle Rob had. If it irked you or annoyed you he’d playfully taunt you with it, like cicada shells on his shirt knowing bugs freaked me out.

I turned to look at this squirrel making so much noise and laughed because I knew it was Uncle Rob. I don’t speak squirrel but I’m pretty sure he was screaming, “no, no! turn back and go inside! I want you to see something in there!” I watched the squirrel for a while, nervously working up the courage to walk through the entrance even though I was not allowed to. I couldn’t do it. I was too nervous. I turned back and began walking home.

The thing is - when our loved ones die we stop seeing their physical bodies so we are convinced that they’re not with us throughout our days. But there is no hanging sign in the spirit world that says, “Only people with bodies allowed to visit loved ones.” If anything, their souls are so much more connected to us now that they aren’t limited by their bodies. So as I began walking home I felt pulled to sit down on a bench and pray. I said, “Uncle Rob, I can feel that you want me to walk in there but I am not a Parks Department employee and I’m scared. I don’t want to get in trouble. If you show me a sign - a BIG sign - then I’ll take it that you need me to go in there today and that I’m safe to do so. Okay? But I’m not going in just because a squirrel yelled. You have to give me an undeniable sign, okay!?”

Seconds later, a parks department van drove by me with a woman in the front seat. She made eye contact with me and kept driving to the entrance that I was being directed to go to. Her van was not the usual parks department green but instead a really vibrant hue that made the car stand out brighter than any other car that passed through the park. On the side of the van, beneath the maple leaf logo, were the numbers: 520… my birthday. The main reason I wasn’t going to walk into the employees-only area was because there were no people to ask permission to do so. I had scoped out the area and couldn’t find a single employee walking around but, just as I asked for a sign, Uncle Rob sent this woman to drive my way.

I went running after the van, which is probably more threatening and a bigger no-no than just walking on a property with signs. As I walked through the fence I found the woman parking in a lot. “Excuse me!!” I called out, my voice trembling with nerves, “Excuse me! Hi! Can I ask you a question? Hello?” The woman got out of the van and told me I wasn’t supposed to be on the property. “Oh I know, ma’am. I was just wondering if you could direct me to a manager. My Uncle used to work here and I- “ before I could finish my sentence she put her finger up in the air and told me “one moment.”

The woman walked inside the building and a man walked out shortly after. He looked concerned over my presence and suddenly the nerves of following Uncle Rob’s sign and my grief over the anniversary created a lump in my throat. I said, “Hi, my Uncle Rob used to work here for years of his life and today-“ the lump grew to feel like hands around my throat. Grief was choking me and insisting I let out the tears I was fighting back. Before I knew it, I was crying to a stranger “-today is the anniversary of his suicide and ….oh my God I’m so sorry I’m crying. This is so embarrassing and I’m sure I look crazy - just a strange lady on the property crying about her uncle. I swear, I’m not crazy! I just… Did you know him? Everyone in our family always says that all of the Parks Department knows Uncle Rob but did you?” I looked manic, tears rushing down my face and voice trembling as I spoke faster than I’ve ever spoken before.

I could tell by his face he had no idea who I was talking about and was uncomfortable by my presence. “Oh, nevermind… just… In honor of my Uncle Rob I was hoping I could-” tears were now running down my face faster than a faucet. My eyes were so filled with tears that I couldn’t even see this man who was obviously uncomfortable. “- I was wondering if I could just walk through the greenhouse and feel like I was with my Uncle Rob again. Please?”

The man looked puzzled and said, as gently as he could said, “um….no.”

I was fully crying at this point. I had no control over the emotions I was trying to bottle up. He kindly explained, “I am a new manager here. It’s only my first week. I’m sorry. I never met your uncle….Um…The plants cannot be contaminated by an outside person. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about your uncle and about saying no but…no. I can’t let you in the greenhouse. If you want to just…walk around it, you can do that. But then you’ll have to leave the property.” I thanked him for his kindness and explained that I understood. “I don’t think I’d want to let a strange woman sobbing into my workspace either. I get it. Thank you. I’ll walk the perimeter.”

The perimeter was a parking lot and took 5 seconds to walk. I felt so stupid. I directed my thoughts to Uncle Rob and told him, “Why would you make me do this if I wasn’t even supposed to go in the greenhouse? I’m just walking in a parking lot, Uncle Rob. This is so dumb. I see more plants and flowers outside of this property than I do in this damn parking lot. Why would you make me nervously walk in for this?”

Just then a different man approached me. “Excuse me, ma’am. What did you say your uncle’s name was?” He was tall and lanky, standing slouched and at a distance from me.

I looked at him, finally having calmed my crying down and broke into tears once again, “I called him Uncle Rob but most of the Parks Department called him Bobby, Bobby Cuddeback. Did you know him?”

The man was walking toward me and stopped abruptly. “Bobby… wow… Bobby. Yea I knew him. He trained me when I first started working here decades ago. Wow….Bobby.”

I felt this man holding back his own emotions. I felt his sadness. “It’s a terrible thing what happened to him. I’m so sorry for your loss… I’m sorry to hear about what happened.” I continued crying, harder now that I was talking to someone who knew Uncle Rob. This man didn’t make me feel embarrassed for crying though. I could tell he understood why I was sad.

“The only people that I know who know my uncle are family members… we know him on a family level. I didn’t know him as an adult like everyone else did so I never got to hear the stories about who he was to other people until his wake. I just… I wanted so badly to talk to someone today that knew him. I’m sorry. I know that man wants me off the property. I just felt so strongly that Uncle Rob wanted me to visit his old workplace today.”

By this point the man walked much closer to me and said, “You know, we all go through a lot of emotional stuff in life and it’s a real shame what happened to your uncle because… I just wish that he didn’t have to be so tough. I wish he could have talked to someone about what was bothering him. He was a workhorse, ya know. He never stopped working. When I first started working here he was the guy who drove the water truck to all the parks and watered the flowers. He let me come with him once and he told me he thought I should learn too. I just couldn’t do it, ya know? I was scared of driving that big thing and so I stayed here with the greenhouse. Your uncle loved to work. He never stopped. I don’t think I ever saw him take a vacation in the time we worked together. Never. He just loved to work. Sometimes, ya gotta wonder if he took a vacation every now and then - would he have been happier inside? I’m so sorry about your Uncle. He was really a great guy. He once brought me to his apartment in Richmond Hill. Met his girlfriend at the time. I even dated her sister. I think she became his wife. Sweet lady. I’m just so sorry… Bobby was a great guy. Broke my heart when I heard the news…”

I told this man about the wake and how an enormous Parks Department bus came filled with old colleagues of Uncle Rob’s. I asked him if he was on the bus and he told me, “No, news broke so fast and they made that plan so fast. Everyone was on it before I even heard about your uncle. I was pretty upset. I wanted to go and pay my respects, ya know. But I found out about it days later… I think about him from time to time… I think about how he was such a great guy and didn’t deserve an ending like that. Gosh, I’m sorry. I just…”

Suddenly I realized why Uncle Rob was so insistent that I go visit his old job. It wasn’t for me. It was for this man who never got to say goodbye.

“I’m really glad you came in here today… It’s nice getting to talk about Bobby again. There’s only one guy who is working today that knows him too but he’s busy and couldn’t come out. When our manager said you were Bobby’s niece he couldn’t say his last name right so I wasn’t sure if it was the same Bobby I knew… You know, we all go through hard times in life. I’ve struggled before too. It’s hard when we feel like we’re in the dark. I wish your uncle felt there was a different way out, ya know? I just remember how much he loved his family. He had to have been in a really dark place to do what he did knowing how much he loved his family… I’m really sorry for your loss.”

I looked at this man and said I was sorry for his too.

We shook hands and eventually hugged goodbye. I thanked him for helping me through my grief and he thanked me too. I felt so grateful to have been given the signs I needed to push through the nerves and walk into the fenced-in property. I was grateful that Uncle Rob was still with me and still trying to mend the pain he caused other people through his death. I was grateful to be the messenger of healing for this stranger.

4 years ago on this day I shared this photo. My tiny $5 h&m flats purchased specifically for his wake. The rain-soaked floor and the autumn leaves that I swore would serve as painful reminders of my loss. I wrote the words, “Today I said goodbye to my Uncle Rob for the last time and my heart will never be the same.”

Little did I know that his death would be the push to accept my mediumship. Little did I know that by accepting this spiritual gift that I’d be able to connect with Uncle Rob in unimaginable ways.

One of the biggest blessings as a medium is being a vessel of God’s healing. It’s not something I take lightly. I know the pain of loss all too well and getting to help people through their loved ones messages is an enormous responsibility but more fulfilling than I ever realized. Especially when it’s my own family I’m relaying the messages for.

4 years ago on this day I thought I said goodbye. I didn’t realize I was actually opening the door to communicate with my Uncle Rob again for the first time in ten years. It hasn’t been easy. I still get waves of grief that sometimes feel like tsunami’s. Other times, I get so angry at him for the pain he’s caused my family that I wish I could scream at him until I’m blue in the face but I know it wouldn’t be the same.

I’m sharing this with you today for a few reasons. I want you to remember that no matter how macho or strong you want to appear on the outside, it’s crucial you allow your emotions time to surface. Your internal feelings don’t always have to remain locked away. Tears are not a sign of weakness. They are a gift from God to release the painful energy you’ve been storing inside your body.

I also wanted to remind you that your loved ones are with you every step of the way, nervous steps included. The steps you don’t want to take but feel compelled to follow through with - your loved ones are there. You have no idea how much you’re capable of unless you test your limits. Sometimes it’s not about you. Sometimes you’re being pushed beyond your comfort zone because the healing that can occur for another person is more important than you remaining comfortable.

Above all else, ask for signs from God, your spirit guides, your loved ones or your angels. They hear you and they happily want to provide you with the comfort you need. You are never ever alone.